


Breathing's Just a Rhythm

by CoffeeAndArrows



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: But the author has decided to ignore some things -cough- Brutasha, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Multi, Natasha Feels, Natasha Needs a Hug, Past Child Abuse, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Red Room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-05-31 15:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6475798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeAndArrows/pseuds/CoffeeAndArrows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She hasn't been here since Clint had brought them all back during the incident involving Ultron, and her memories of that day weren't exactly clear. Well, some parts weren't. Other parts were too clear... the cold hands upon her skin as they pushed her down, down, down,  and the prick of the needles in her arm, the cool click of metal around her wrist...</p><p>No. Not now. She couldn't do this now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This started off as a sequel to You Don't Have To Be Alone but I kinda got carried away... And now it's a multi-chaptered story and one of the longest things I've ever written... whoops.
> 
> You don't need to read You Don't Have To Be Alone to understand this, as they're not particularly related (and tbh YDHTBA is probably not one of my finest works)
> 
> Also, for anyone who hasn't seen Agent Carter, it is canon that the young Black Widows were handcuffed to their beds at night.
> 
> Enjoy!

It was dark when she finally crept into the silent farmhouse, surrounded by cloak of darkness. The moon shone through the kitchen window, reflecting off the toys that were scattered haphazardly across the floor.

 

She hasn't been here since Clint had brought them all back during the incident involving Ultron, and her memories of that day weren't exactly clear. Well some parts weren't. Other parts were too clear... the cold hands upon her skin as they pushed her down, down, down,  and the prick of the needles in her arm, the cool click of metal around her wrist...

 

No. Not now. She couldn't do this now.

 

Closing her eyes tight, she forced herself to focus on avoiding the creaky floorboards as she crept through the house. Laura and Clint would never forgive her if she woke Nathaniel.

 

Wincing as her foot landed on a piece of Lego, Natasha silently cursed herself. Some super spy. She hated to admit it, but maybe Steve had been right after all.

 

Exhausted. That was the word she would use, if she wanted to explain how she truly felt. Tired of the world, tired of the training, tired of the memories of cold metal that flooded her mind every time she tried to close her eyes.

 

She tiptoed up the stairs and headed towards Clint and Laura's bedroom, but froze with her hand on the doorknob, unsure of what to do. 

 

It had been her choice to stay away after the battle in Sokovia, because they shouldn't have to deal with her problems. But now she just felt guilty.

 

Her entire life seemed to boil down choices. Choices about her aligance, choices about her job, choices about what she wanted to eat for lunch...

 

As a child, she had dreamed about getting to make choices, but now, she struggled with every decision that she was presented with.

 

(Well, almost every choice. One had been pre-decided for her by the universe, the day a young, reckless archer had decided to risk his job, his life, and his family, just to save her.)

 

Clint and Laura and their family were the best thing that had ever happened to her. She would be able to sleep when in bed with them, safe from her nightmares.

 

She was so, so tired.

 

But... Nathaniel was in there. Their child. The baby which she had never met, despite Laura's insistence that she was just as much of a mother to him as her.

 

He was named after her, and she hadn't even managed to be there when he was born because she had been too tangled up in the web that was her mind.

 

Shaking off the guilt that she felt, Natasha took a deep breath and pushed the door open, slipping silently into the room. She didn't make a sound as she shed her tac suit, or as she reached into Clint's chest of drawers to find one of his soft, well-loved cotton shirts in which to sleep.

 

To her surprise, neither Clint or Laura woke when she slithered into bed, although they both immediately readjusted their positions so that she ended up in the center of the bed, Clint's firm chest resting on her back, and Laura's arms tangled with her own.

 

She closed her eyes briefly, inhaling the soft mixture of the countryside and Laura's honey scented shampoo, and as the warm embrace of the farmhouse wrapped around her, she finally felt the tension that she had been carrying around for weeks ease from her limbs.

 

Natasha closed her eyes, allowing herself to be cocooned in the familiar warmth and safety of home, and prayed that just for one night, her demons would leave her alone.

 

 

 

When Clint awoke in the morning, the first thing he noticed was the familiar red hair draped across his chest. His partner was facing away from him, but even so, he could sense her weariness and he could almost feel the painful, heavy heart which she was wearing on her sleeve leaking out into the room.

 

It had taken him a long time to help her understand that she was allowed to show her emotions, and even now she kept everything close to her chest. At the farm, she was more open that she had been at SHIELD or when working with the Avengers, but it was only when she was asleep that her emotions were so clearly visible, because she couldn't protect her carefully constructed walls.

 

The second thing that he noticed was that for the first time ever, Nathaniel had only woken once during the night - and when he had woken, it was early enough that they could get a decent amount of sleep afterwards. Before he could travel any further down this train of thought, he heard quiet snuffling coming from the crib at the edge of the room, causing him to extract himself from the bed in order to see to his youngest child.

 

His head spun as he sat up, and his ears seemed to pick up on every miniscule sound that was made. He had been sleeping with his hearing aids in since Nathaniel had been born, in case - when - the baby woke, but he still not used to the onslaught of sound which met him even on a calm, quiet morning.

 

'Aww, baby no,' he muttered to himself as he picked up his son, whose mouth was now scrunched up in the beginnings of a wail.

 

Rocking Nathaniel slowly against his chest whilst praying that the baby didn't decide to ruin the peaceful slumber of the household, Clint walked towards the door, turning briefly to see that Laura and Natasha had moved, and were now wrapped up in each other's arms, their faces softly illuminated by the early morning sunlight.

 

Clint pressed a gentle kiss to Nathaniel's tiny forehead, pulling the door closed as he left in search of coffee. Six am was definitely late enough for coffee.

 

And if he had to get up at six to let Laura and Natasha have a lie in, so be it. They had earned it.

 

He and Laura had been kept up for so many long nights by Nathaniel's constant screams, and whilst he was used to short nights and long days, his wife most certainly was not. There was only so long one could go without sleep before it inevitably caught up with you.

 

And Natasha... He hadn't seen her since Sokovia. They had Skyped her, of course, in the week after Nathaniel's birth, and she had phoned regularly, but... There were clearly things that she wasn't telling them.

 

It was hard to tell with Nat when she was struggling, but now... she didn't look as if she had slept in weeks, and her already slender form looked thinner than it had been before. Something was wrong, and she was desperately trying to bear her burdens alone, even though she didn't have to.

 

But she had come home. And for now, that was enough.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little short, but the next one will be be longer. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Several hours later, Clint was ambushed in the kitchen by two excitable children, both of whom seemed to have far to much energy for early on a Saturday morning.

 

'Dad dad dad dad dad dad!' Lila stood in front of him on the wooded floor, her eyes bright,  bouncing on her toes in an effort to grab his attention.

 

His eyes flicked briefly up to the ceiling, thinking of the two women still asleep in bed upstairs. 'Hey Lila honey, can we keep it down a bit? It's eight in the morning.'

 

He ruffled her hair lovingly, his fingers trailing through her tangled curls. He made a weak attempt to smooth out some of the many knots but gave up when Lila refused to stand still.

 

'Dad,' she started, dragging out the 'a' sound, 'there's a car in the drive! Is someone here?'

 

Cling winced. On one hand, the kids loved Nat, and would be so excited if he told them that she has come to stay. She had been away for such a long time, and they had all missed her. 

 

But on the other hand, he had been hoping that Nat and Laura would be able to grab some extra sleep, but that was starting to look less and less like a possibility. 

 

They needed to rest. He at least needed to try to ease the dark bags from under Natasha's eyes, and it would be easier to just let her sleep now than try to persuade her to nap later. Or maybe Laura could persuade her - Nat always listened better to Laura's advice than his.

 

She clearly needed to talk with them. As a family. But that wasn't going be possible if half of the family - especially Natasha - was barely functioning, and as Nathaniel had managed not to wake them during the night, he was going to make good use of that.

 

'Okay, come here.' He crouched down on the floor so that he was the same height as his children, beckoning them closer 'Last night, Auntie Nat arrived. BUT - ' he continued hastily, cutting off Lila's inevitable excited squeals, 'she is very tired, so we are going to let her and mummy sleep for a while before we wake them, okay?'

 

Lila's shoulder's slumped forward, but she gave a resigned nod, and Cooper followed suit.  
Clint wrapped one arm around his two older children in a hug, whilst keeping a careful hold of Nathaniel. He could sense his daughter's disappointment, so he added 'I'm sure Auntie Nat will be very excited to see you honey.'

 

Lila gave a brief smile, but her expression quickly faded into a frown as she processed Clint's words, sensing that her dad wasn't telling her the whole story. Her lip quivered. 'Did Auntie Nat get hurt?'

 

'No, Lila. Not...' His children were too perceptive for their own good. Nat wasn't physically injured, no. But how the hell was he expected to explain emotional pain to a six-year-old?

 

'Okay. Auntie Nat is not injured, and I'm sure she can't wait to see you. Sometimes... Sometimes people don't get hurt on the outside, but they hurt on the inside. And Auntie Nat is hurting, on the inside, and she's really tired, but she came home so that she can spend time with us and get better.'

 

Lila frowned again, looking lost in thought. 'So how do we make her better?'

 

Clint smiled softly at his big-hearted kids, both of whom were looking up at him expectantly, wanting to make everything alright. 'Sometimes it just takes time, Lila. Time and love.'

 

'Hugs?' Lila asked, her face hopeful.

 

Clint gave a soft laugh, ruffling her hair with his free hand. 'Yeah, Lila' he answered, unable to keep the hint of sadness from his voice. 'Lots of hugs.'

 

Cooper nudged his younger sister in the direction of the table, which still had art supplies from the day before strewn over it. 'We could make her some pictures, right dad?'

 

Clint shot a grateful look in Cooper's direction as he saw his daughter's eyes light up at the suggestion, and nodded. 'I'm sure Nat would absolutely love that, and later maybe you could show her the medal you got for your gymnastics competition last Saturday.'

 

Lila's looked up, flashing her teeth at him in a proud grin.

 

'I got _two_ medals.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kudos and comments, they keep me going!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our two favorite ladies have a much needed chat :)

Blinking herself awake, Laura glanced at the clock perched on the bedside table, pleasantly surprised to find that it read 10:30 am. She rolled over, taking a moment to savor the refreshed feeling which she hasn't felt since Nathaniel's birth.

 

She loved her children with all of her heart, but she had never understood how much she appreciated sleep until wailing babies had kept her awake what felt like hours on end.

 

At least Clint was home. Being a kind-of-single mom for years, she had grown used to the fact that he was not here as often as she would have liked, and it seemed like Natasha's visits were even fewer and far between.

 

They tried to be home as frequently as they could, she knew that, but it was difficult. It was even worse for Natasha, because so few people knew about their relationship, and she found it so difficult to untangle herself from everything that was going on.

 

Natasha.

 

She hadn't seen Nat in what felt like years, but now she was home, curled up in bed beside her.

 

Her bright curls framed her pale features as she slept, the sunlight softly highlighting every aspect of her tired face. Natasha had always been beautiful, at any time of the day, but Laura would never grow tired of the peaceful, almost child-like expression that graced her features as she slept.

 

But no matter how beautiful she was, or how relaxed she looked in her sleep, Natasha's face looked thinner than it had been last time she was home, and the bags under her eyes - albeit faded due to a good night's sleep - were dark and haunting, like bruised skin the day after a fight. Clearly she hasn't been getting on as well as she had convinced them on the phone.

 

For now, it sounded as if Clint had control over the kids, giving her an opportunity to hold a clearly well overdue conversation with Natasha.

 

Hating that she had to wake the other woman when she was so clearly in need of sleep, Laura pressed a kiss to Natasha's warm forehead, her hand lazily stroking the short red curls which were cascading across the pillow beside her.

 

'Hey, 'Tasha,' she whispered as the redhead blinked awake, scrunching up her face at the light. Laura bit back a laugh at her comical face, wishing that she had a camera on hand. 'It's good to see you.'

 

Natasha gave a small, secretive smile and linked her fingers with Laura's. Her voice quiet, as if she was admitting an enormous secret, she murmured 'I missed you.'

 

'I know.'

 

Natasha smiled again, this time a little wider, as if she had decided she was allowed to show that she was happy. Laura smiled back, but her gaze turned concerned when she watched Nat stifle a yawn. She tried to prevent the accusatory tone from her voice as she said 'You haven't been sleeping well.'

 

It wasn't a question, but Natasha gave a hesitant nod in reply. 'I...'

 

She trailed off, biting her lip, and Laura frowned in concern as her hands wrapped around Natasha's under the covers, giving them a gentle squeeze in encouragement. _Let me help you, 'tasha._

 

Natasha chewed the inside of her cheek. 'It's.. I don't sleep well at the new facility.'

 

Laura's frown deepened, and she found herself searching Natasha's face for the pain that she had buried deep in her soul. Her next question came out suddenly, as if she needed to know the answer but hadn't meant to ask. 'Is it the handcuffs?'

 

_Please tell me you haven't been using the handcuffs._

 

The question was blunt, and the fact that Laura could immediately pinpoint a problem that she could barely manage to talk about took Natasha by surprise. Of course Laura understood what was going on in her mind, the reasons that when she closed her eyes all she could see was the chains around her wrists reminding her that she belonged to the people who had trained her, that she could never truly escape their clutches.

 

And that the fire and blood and pain that she could see was a part of her, because all she had done was kill and kill and kill; that death and destruction was what made her the Black Widow, a killing machine who had no heart and couldn't love. She had been chained to that pain since before she could remember, and it would never go away.

 

So much pain. And all of it her fault. She needed to leave, she needed to run away, to keep the pain away from them -

 

Laura watched as Natasha's thoughts spun round and round her head, everything that she was thinking reflected in her eyes. At some point in their conversation, her hand had moved to Natasha's wrist, and she rubbed gentle circles onto her skin as she waited for the redhead to find whatever she was looking for in the depths of her mind.

 

Her began to grow more panicked, and Laura gripped her wrists slightly tighter, grounding her.

 

When she heard a sharp intake of breath from beside her, followed by several more, each more raged than the last, Laura tried not to panic, gripping Nat's hands tightly with one of her own and using her other hand to tilt her partner's face until she could look her in the eyes.

 

' 'Tasha? Nat. Hey, Nat, look at me. Just breathe slowly.' She pressed one of Nat's hands to her chest, holding the other tightly as she encouraged Natasha to breathe in time with her heartbeat.

 

After what felt like an age, but couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes, Natasha's breathing grew calmer and less panicked, although it remained shaky. 'S'okay Nat.'

 

Laura's arms snaked around the other woman's waist, and she pulled her tighter, feeling her shirt bunch up as Natasha clung on to it, trying to keep afloat in the sea of her memories.

 

'I'm sorry 'tasha, I shouldn't have brought it up. Not like that.'

 

She felt Natasha shake her head against her chest, and she momentarily lifted her head to mumble 'Wasn't your fault.' Nat sucked in another breath, which hissed against her teeth as she inhaled. 'I should go.'

 

Her words were quiet, as if she was confessing the truth against her will. 'I don't want to cause you trouble.' _I don't want to hurt you._

 

'Nat, you're safe here. You won't hurt us.'

 

Laura's hands traced patterns into her partner's back, soothing them both as Natasha took a deep breath, before saying shakily 'I'm a mess.'

 

The Red Room had messed with Nat, and she had spent her entire childhood being tortured into an emotionless killer, and being taught that needing help was a weakness.

 

Natasha admitting that she was a mess was Natasha admitting that she wasn't okay, and that she needed them. It cost her a lot to ask for their help, and Laura appreciated it - it was obvious that she was trying as hard as she could to not let their training have control of her mind.

 

Laura blinked, feeling the familiar stinging in her eyes. 'I shouldn't have pushed you into talking when you weren't ready. And I'm sorry.'

 

Natasha's refused to meet Laura's eyes as she picked at the blanket, and her words dripped with self hatred when she bitterly replied 'I should always be ready.'

 

'No, Nat. We don't have to talk about it until you're ready to. We _won't_ talk about it until you want to.'

 

Natasha searched Laura's eyes for any hint of lies, and only when she was satisfied did she bury her head back in her chest, arms once again encircling the other woman.

 

It hurt sometimes, that Natasha still needed to check that people weren't lying to her. It had been over a decade since she defected from the Red Room, but they had fucked with her so badly that she feared even someone she had been with for years might turn out to be just another cruel person in the same cruel world.

 

Natasha's quiet voice (thankfully) distracted her from her dark chain of thoughts, her words so soft that Laura had to strain to hear her. 'I can sleep when I'm here. With you and Clint.'

 

'Okay. We can start there.' Laura squeezed her shoulder in support.

 

Natasha didn't respond, so Laura softly carried on the conversation, worry seeping into her caring voice. 'You should have come home sooner.'

 

This time, Natasha swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. She didn't deserve the kindness that Laura was showing her, not when she had made so many mistakes. 'I know. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry - '

 

'What for?' Laura asked as Natasha cut herself off, biting her lip. Laura frowned, squeezing the other woman's hand. She had nothing to apologize for.

 

'I'm sorry I missed Nathaniel's birth,' she blurted out, and Laura let out a horrified gasp as Natasha looked away in shame.

 

'NO, Nat. Don't you _dare_ apologize for something that you had no control over. You had things you had to deal with, things you needed to process, and that meant that you couldn't be there. But I will _never_ blame you for that, because it wasn't your fault, and there was nothing that you could have done about it.'

 

'I -'

 

'Nat, it's alright.'

 

Natasha's voice cracked as she whispered 'I should have tried harder. I should have _been there._ '

 

Laura's voice turned soft, and she answered 'I know how much you wanted to be there 'tasha. That will always be enough.'

 

Laura pulled Natasha closer to her chest, kissing her gently on the temple.

 

Natasha gave a watery smile, unsure of how to respond, so instead of speaking she extended her first finger, pinky and thumb, folding the middle two down, and pressed the sign into Laura's chest next to her heart. _I love you._

 

'I know, Nat.' Laura lifted up her hand to press a kiss to her knuckles. 'I love you, too.'


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the wait was longer, but this chapter is also longer, so hopefully that will make up for it. Enjoy!

The two women showered and dressed, and then ventured downstairs to where the children could be heard bouncing around the house on a post-breakfast sugar high.

 

As expected, Lila immediately sprinted at top speed across the room to greet her favorite aunt, and Cooper quickly followed. Stepping around her happy family members to where Clint was sitting, Laura pressed a soft kiss to his lips, giving him a quiet 'Thank you'.

 

He gave her a gentle smile. 'It's fine. You looked exhausted, and Nat...'

 

'I know,' Laura finished as her husband trailed off. She reached out to take Nathaniel from him, and once she had resettled him in her arms she continued 'she looks exhausted too.'

 

Clint bit his lip, giving a slow nod, and his eyes flicked over to where their children were excitedly showing Nat the drawings which they had made for her. His voice low, he asked 'How is she?'

 

'She's...' Laura swallowed, struggling to find the right words. Nathaniel gave a happy gurgle to fill the silence, and Laura sighed. 'She's not doing nearly as well as she's pretending to, and she... When that girl played with her mind, I think it brought back memories which Nat had been suppressing, and...'

 

'She doesn't know how to deal with it,' Clint finished, the familiar words leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He sighed, and Laura's hand immediately found the hair at the nape of his neck, and without realizing it her fingers began to stroke, smoothing out the few knots and tangles that she found.

 

Clint closed his eyes, leaning in to the comfort that Laura was offering him. Somehow, she always knew exactly what to do in order to calm his frayed nerves, and after a minute or two he got up from his chair to wrap his arms around her. 'Morning'

 

She laughed at his belated greeting, but pressed a fond kiss to his cheek and returned it anyway. 'Morning. Coffee?'

 

'It's almost lunch time.'

 

Laura rolled her eyes. 'I still need coffee.' She managed to catch Natasha's eyes through the distraction, and signed _'Coffee?'_

 

She received an eager nod in reply, and put enough for 3 cups into the machine, because if she only did enough for her and Nat, Clint would inevitably whine and steal theirs.

 

It wasn't until after lunch, that Clint got the opportunity to speak to Natasha alone, after she had been shown drawings and certificates and medals _and_ been dragged on a walk around the farm by Lila and Cooper.

 

Nat was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher, enjoying the peace and quiet of the farmhouse after the hectic morning. Lila and Cooper had (finally) sat down to watch a film, and Laura was upstairs putting Nathaniel to sleep for his afternoon nap.

 

Clint stood in the doorway for a few minutes, watching his partner as she moved about the house. He would never grow tired of the way Natasha's entire body language changed when she was at home - she was less defensive, more relaxed, and the tense, closed off persona that she presented to others was lessened. It had taken a long time to help her understand that she was allowed to show her emotions, because she had been trained to believe that emotions were a weakness, and he was always amazed by how much she had opened up in the time he had known her.

 

But he had thought that she was comfortable with herself these days, and although he knew she was thoroughly shaken up by the events in Sokovia, afterwards she had seemed confident in herself and in her decision to stay at the Avengers base and train the newbies.

 

If only he had noticed then that it had all been a lie. She was just projecting another facade onto herself in order to hide that she was struggling. Because after all these years, she still didn't know how to ask for help.

 

He should have realized. He should have noticed weeks ago that it was just a pretence.

 

He stepped into the room and reached his arms up to encircle her waist, holding her back against his chest in a warm embrace. She immediately leant back into him, his steady heart beat comforting her in a way that not many things could. Clint breathed in deeply, inhaling the scent of the familiar shampoo that Natasha and Laura shared as he pressed his nose into her hair, and he simultaneously heard his partner let out a content sigh as she sagged into his embrace.

 

'How are you?' He asked as he sensed her drawing comfort from him. 'And be honest with me, Nat.'

 

'I'm okay. I'm better than I was yesterday.'

 

He raised an eyebrow behind her back, even though he knew she couldn't see it. He tried to keep his voice even as he replied 'You definitely didn't look okay this morning. And I know you, Nat. I know that you are hard to crack, and that a little sleep deprivation or stress is easy for you to hide. So when you look like shit, I know that you're _really_ struggling. '

 

In a weak attempt to defend herself, Natasha responded 'Maybe I chose to let people see me looking like crap.'

 

'Bullshit.'

 

Natasha bit her lip, and Clint continued gently 'Nat, what's wrong?'

 

Natasha pressed her back more firmly into his chest, and Clint tightened his arms in response. He traced his fingers in small circles over her wrist, and with a soft voice, brimming with emotion, he prompted ' 'tasha?'

 

She shook her head, her curls brushing against his neck, but she squeezed his hand to let him know she was trying. _C'mon Nat. Let us help you._

 

She swallowed, and took a deep breath, steadying herself. The tremors she tried to mask were clearly audible in her voice as she whispered 'I can't sleep without the handcuffs.'

 

Her voice cracked on the final word, pain and vulnerability seeping into her answer.

 

Clint pressed his teeth together to suppress his pained gasp, and he adjusted his position so that he could spin her round and wrap her in his arms as her tears yet again began to fall. This time Natasha didn't hesitate, burying her head in his shoulders as she finally let the tremors run through her body, and Clint brushed his fingers through her hair, pressing a kiss to her forehead. 'It's okay, Nat. It's okay.'

 

After what felt like hours, she murmured something to him, her words coming out muffled by his chest, 'I don't... I can't...'

 

Clint squeezed her shoulder in encouragement, and unknowingly echoed the same words his wife had used that morning, 'We don't have to talk about it until you're ready to.'

 

Her hand found his at his words, and she gripped it tightly as Clint rubbed his other hand across her back. She lifted her head from his shoulder to kiss him softly, hoping that everything she was failing to voice could be felt. They stood there embracing until Laura came to find them, giving them both a soft understanding kiss and tangling their hands together as the familiar ending of Frozen played quietly in the other room.


	5. Chapter 5

Twice they were woken in the night by Nathaniel's wails, to the point where they only managed about half an hour of sleep over three hours.

 

The third time, Clint and Laura were woken by a different set of screams.

 

Natasha was still in the center of the bed, shaking and curled up into a ball in her sleep, as if she was halfheartedly defending herself from an invisible attacker, and her whispered screams mingled with the pained whimpers which were involuntarily making their way out of her throat.

 

Her whimpers tore straight through to the heart, and Laura blinked back tears. Natasha's nightmares had gotten so much better over the years, to the point where she was barely having them at all. But now, they had suddenly come back in full force, and Laura found herself hopelessly unprepared. When should you leave someone asleep and when should you wake them up?

 

As Nat let out another whimper, she hissed 'Do something' to Clint under her breath.

 

'I don't know if I can - '

 

'Clint I don't care, we have to try.'  Natasha let out another muffled whimper, and visibly flinched in response to her dreams.

 

Laura blinked rapidly, but her unshed tears still burned at the corners of her eyes. She was helpless. She didn't know how to wake Natasha and there was nothing she could do - she hated it.

 

'I - '

 

Whatever Clint had been going to say was abruptly cut off by Natasha jerking awake, her eyes wide and terrified and her breathing panicked. Her face was contorted in fear, and when her eyes landed on them she scrabbled backwards, her hands grasping at the sheets so hard that her knuckles had gone white.

 

Her cheeks were wet with tears, and Laura couldn't help herself from raising her hand to brush them away. But as Laura's hand rose, Nat flinched violently, shielding herself from them. Her breathing was still fast and panicked, and she let out another small whimper, drawing her knees up to her chest.

 

Nat had violent nightmares. She had nightmares that confused her grip on reality and left her clutching at the people she loved, to check that this life was real. She had nightmares which left her sobbing silently into their pillows.

 

But these were the worst.

 

When her dreams left her terrified of them, scared that they would hurt her and flinching at every move they made. When she curled up into a ball, expecting to be beaten and tortured within an inch of her life, but resigned and accepting her fate.

 

Clint hated it. Because he knew in his heart that these nightmares came from being taught that she was not allowed to fight her trainers, thinking that the daily torture she suffered through was unpreventable - 'normal', he realized, disgusted - and from being told countless times that she was weak and worthless.

 

And because he knew that some of these nightmares weren't dreams, but memories.

 

He hated it.

 

'Nat. Hey.' His voice was impossibly soft as he whispered quiet assurances to her. ' tasha, it was just a dream. You're at the farm. Remember? You're home. 'S okay.' He reached out his hand to her, slowly holding his palm upwards, so that she had the option to take it if she wanted.

 

Her eyes focused on his face, searching for lies in his eyes before turning to Laura and doing the same. Her eyes flicked around the room, taking in the loved furniture and crayon drawings that had been left on the chest of drawers. Finally, her eyes cleared, and she choked out 'Clint? Laura?'

 

'Yeah, 'tasha. You're okay. It wasn't real, you're safe.' Laura's eyes were brimming with emotion, and Natasha found herself staring into them, searching for comfort, or assurance, or just simple confirmation that this was her home, where she belonged, and that _nothing_ could take it away from her.

 

The tension eased as Natasha lurched forward into Clint's waiting arms, her hands grasping onto Laura's and pulling her into the embrace. Laura's skin was soft as she embraced her, one hand running through her red curls whilst Natasha's ragged sobs escaped through Clint's chest and spread into the quiet night, filling the room and echoing out across the fields.

 

Through her tears, Natasha whispered 'Safe' over and over again, her voice trembling as she tried to remind herself that she was home. Laura kissed her forehead sweetly, rubbing her back. 'Yeah 'tasha, you're safe.'

 

Eventually, Natasha's sobs faded into silent tears, causing her to raise her head from Clint's shoulder to dry her eyes on the sleeve of her shirt. 'I'm sorry, I...' _I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I'm sorry I'm not the person you want me to be._

 

' 'tasha you have nothing to apologize for.' Laura squeezed the other woman's hand, hoping that she understood that she was no longer just talking about the nightmares.

 

Brief acknowledgement flickered through Natasha's eyes, but was soon replaced by a look of guilt. 'I didn't wake - is Nathaniel -'

 

'Nat he's fast asleep,' Laura soothed, trying to keep her lips from twitching in amusement as her husband's muttered _'fucking finally_.'

 

Clint's comment made Natasha suppress a smile, and she felt a small sense of relief flow through her bones.

 

'Sleep?' Clint mumbled, and the two women took the hint, sinking down under the covers in a loving jumble of arms and legs.

 

Sleep. She needed - she couldn't -

 

Natasha closed her eyes, lying still and letting her heart beat in time with the two hearts which had been entwined with hers for a long, long time. It wasn't an accident when Clint's steady fingers slipped around her wrist, his grip tight yet comforting, holding her safe in a way he hadn't needed to for years.

 

Her voice barely audible, even in the silent farmhouse, she whispered 'Thank you.'

 

_I'm not ready to talk about it yet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided there will be 3 more chapters, with a short epilogue. Enjoy!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for leaving kudos and commenting and sticking with the story, it keeps me going :) Enjoy!

Natasha's second morning back at the farm was nothing like the first. Even so, she found that even being woken up at five thirty in the morning by a screaming baby was - strangely - something that she had missed, and she had to fight back the unexpected lump in her throat as she realized that she hadn't been there for _so much_ of Nathaniel's precious first few months.

 

Rolling out of bed and scooping up the wailing baby, she rocked him back and forth in an effort to soothe him whilst Laura woke herself up. Clint mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like a quote from The Lion King and shoved a pillow over his head.

 

'Mmhh. Nat, it's alright, I've got him, you can go back to sleep if you want.' Laura blinked sleepily and pressed a soft kiss to the redhead's lips as she passed her the baby.

 

Natasha tilted her head slightly, as if she was considering the option, but shook it after only a moment of thought, instead choosing to follow Laura downstairs.

 

(But even if she was choosing to be awake instead of bed, it _was_ five thirty in the morning, so coffee was completely justified. At least that's what she told herself as she flicked on the machine, grabbing two mugs out of the cupboard.)

 

Laura watched Natasha move around the kitchen, humming softly to herself. It was the familiar tune of a Russian lullaby, one which she frequently hummed about the house, when she didn't think anyone was listening.

 

(She had sung it only once, in a hospital ward in the dead of night, the harsh unfamiliar words failing to fill the emptiness that they had both felt piercing straight through them. Laura had never heard the words again.)

 

Laura shook her head, forcing her thoughts back into the present. 'Bet you're missing the peace and quiet of the new facility now, right?'

 

Nat laughed softly, but her voice was quiet and honest as she replied 'I wouldn't trade this for the world.'

 

Laura smiled back, and Nathaniel chose that moment to stop wailing. He let out a pleased gurgle, waving his chubby hands about in an effort to grab Laura's hair, which was still messy from sleep.

 

Letting out another quiet laugh, Natasha filled two mugs with coffee when the machine beeped, and carried them over to the table, sitting down next to Laura and placing the mugs in front of her. This time Nathaniel waved his arms near the mugs, causing Laura to shift to position him further from the drinks.

 

Natasha raised an amused eyebrow. 'Remind you of anyone?'

 

Laura laughed again, the soft sound filling up the kitchen and reminding Natasha yet again just how much she had missed being at home. 'I think any baby that comes out of the womb wanting coffee practically screams 'Barton', ' she responds drily, and Natasha grins into her coffee.

 

Laura watched the smile spread across her face but  couldn't stop her eyebrows from knitting together as she remembered the contrasting atmosphere from the night before. Natasha's smile was happy, but it belied the tension that could be seen in her shoulders and the tiredness that still lingered behind her eyes. 'Did you get back to sleep okay? After you... Woke up?'

 

Natasha raised her eyebrow again, trying to deflect the conversation. 'Woke up? That's what your going with?'

 

Laura looked hard at the woman sat next to her, her gaze piercing yet as soft and caring as it had always been. She refused to get caught up in whatever games Natasha was trying to play, and her eyes were full of a resigned understanding at the redheads never-ending need to deflect the situation away from her.

 

Natasha sighed. 'Sorry. ' She offered Laura an apologetic smile, and continued 'I slept okay. Much better than at the new facility. Even with Nathaniel trying his best to keep us awake.'

 

Her voice was hesitant, but honest, and Laura could tell Natasha was trying her hardest to let her behind the walls she struggled to pull down each time she returned home.

 

'Are your nightmares getting worse?' Laura asked, her voice laced with concern.

 

Natasha looked up, startled. 'No, no. Nothing like that. They're better here. They're getting better, it's just...'

 

She trailed off, so tried again 'I...'

 

'Nat?' Laura quietly prompted, but when met with silence she asked 'Are you ready to talk about it?'

 

Natasha bit her lip, hesitating before giving a slow shake of her head. 'I'm not ready yet.'

 

Laura nodded in understanding, and adjusted Nathaniel's position so that she could slip one arm around Natasha's waist, pulling their bodies closer together. 'That's okay. When you're ready, I'm here. We're both here.'

 

Natasha swallowed the lump in her throat as Laura repeated the words she had used the day before, knowing that the other woman would continue to offer her support even if she was never ready to spill the hard truth of her past into the open. They both knew bits of her history, and they both already knew about the handcuffs. So why was it so damn difficult?

 

Nathaniel reached towards Nat, and Laura passed the baby into Natasha's waiting arms so that she could wrap her arms more tightly around the other woman, pressing a chaste kiss to the woman's shoulder.

 

Natasha rose to carry Nathaniel - who had just drifted off to sleep - over to the carry cot in the corner if the living room, dropping a gentle kiss to his nose as she tucked a blanket around him.

 

Laura glanced across at the clock as Natasha returned to her previous position, and upon seeing that it was still well before seven, she turned back to Natasha's shoulder and pressed a second, decidedly _unchaste_ kiss to the bare skin.

 

'Laura Barton', Natasha gasped in mock indignation, but her words were lost when she turned to press an open mouthed kiss to Laura's lips.

 

Laura chuckled darkly, murmuring 'How long do you thing we've got before anyone else wakes up?'

 

Natasha caught Laura's lip between her own as she pulled away, and ran her tongue across the swollen skin teasingly. Her cheeks were flushed, and Laura gazed straight at her, her pupils wide and hungry.

 

Natasha was just about to respond when they heard the unmistakable sound of someone walking about upstairs, and Laura gave an audible groan as Natasha moved away, causing the other woman to grin. Nat popped a quick kiss to Laura's nose, commenting with a cheeky grin 'And you've just had a kid Laur. Anyone would think you hadn't seen me in years.'

 

Laura didn't bother to hide her second groan as she sagged back in her seat. She loved her kids, don't get her wrong, but could they not just stay in bed for another thirty minutes?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lila Barton is to good for this world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really love Lila and Nat's relationship, so have a chapter full of fluff (and a bit of angst, bc this is me, what did you expect)

'Lila Barton, if you're not in bed, with your teeth brushed and pajamas on in the next ten minutes there will be no story tonight.'

 

Lila stared up at her father with her bottom lip out in a pout, and the expression was so like Clint that Natasha had to suppress a snort of laughter. That was the face he pulled every time someone told him to do something he didn't want to, and clearly his daughter had inherited his stubborn expression.

 

Clint was clearly getting nowhere with this argument, and if left alone he and Lila would probably pout at each other all night. Someone had to intervene.

 

Natasha sighed. 'But if you get ready for bed really quickly, I will read you a story. Deal?'

 

Lila nodded eagerly, and Natasha scooped the girl up in her arms to carry her upstairs as Clint shot her a grateful look over their daughter's head. She rolled her eyes at him.

 

'Auntie Nat Auntie Nat Auntie Nat?' Lila asked, trying to gain Natasha's unwavering attention as she was carried up the stairs.

 

'Yes Munchkin?'

 

Lila looked up at her favorite Aunt, excited. 'Auntie Nat, can we read The Gruffalo?'

 

Nat just about managed to contain her groan, but it was a close call. That book probably had some good messages to children in it, and she had enjoyed it the first time... But you can only read a book like The Gruffalo a certain number of times before you want to throttle the author.

 

'Lila honey, are you _sure_ you don't want to read a different book?'

 

Lila shook her head. 'No. I like this one. The story's nice. And the pictures are pretty. Please?' Natasha pretended to consider this for a moment, and Lila added 'I'll get ready for bed really quickly?'

 

The redhead nodded, smiling, and Lila scampered off to get ready for bed. 

 

Lila always asked as if the answer might be no, but Natasha knew that she would go to the ends of the Earth for the little girl, and she would keep reading the same book over and over - no matter how much she hated it - just to make Lila smile.

 

Natasha sighed, resigning herself to her fate. She often brought Lila new books back from missions, but it (unfortunately) didn't seem to have any impact on her favorites.

 

She wondered idly - not for the first time - if Lila would be interested in learning languages. The choice of books would be so much wider.

 

Twenty minutes later, Natasha gently closed the now finished book and placed it down on the bedside table. Lila was almost asleep, curled up in in her lap, her soft curls fanning across her shoulders as she snuggled closer.

 

'Bedtime, I think,' Natasha murmured, standing up and easing the girl off her lap. She tucked the blankets closer around her neck and brushed Lila's hair away from her face, pressing a sweet kiss to her forehead.

 

Lila responded by ploping a small kiss to her cheek, and Natasha swallowed. Lila had curled up on her lap, blissfully ignorant to Natasha's past. She had no idea of the blood that soaked her hands. She trusted her aunt implicitly.

 

She didn't know that her aunt had made her first kill when she was barely older than Lila, and had gone on to kill countless others - men, women... children. She didn't know that she would be best to stay far, far away from her.

 

Natasha felt her eyes grow damp, and she was about to leave when Lila opened her eyes. 'Auntie Nat,' she called softly, and Natasha turned around to look at her. 'Do you need a hug?'

 

Natasha smiled again, trying desperately to push away her thoughts and prevent her tears from falling. She thought she had used up all of her tears, but clearly not. 'Yeah, sweetie. I think I might.'

 

Lila sat up in bed and held out her arms, and Nat walked slowly over to her bed. When she sat down on the bed, Lila crawled back into her lap and the little girl wrapped her arms tightly around her aunt. They stayed there for a few minutes before Lila leant back and asked 'Daddy said you needed hugs to make you better. Are you still hurting?'

 

Nat smiled sadly. 'I'm not hurt, sweetie.' She held her arms out in front of her for Lila to inspect. 'See, no bandages.'

 

Lila rolled her eyes and pulled a painfully Clint-like expression. 'No, silly. Daddy said you were hurting on the _inside_.'

 

Of course he did. This time, Natasha couldn't hold back her tears, and she felt the hot, salty droplets rolling down her cheeks at the unconditional love she was now - and had always been - offered by this family. _Her_ family. Her voice cracked as she replied 'Your daddy is a very clever man.'

 

Lila's eyebrows creased into a sad frown as she watched tears roll down Natasha's cheeks, and reached up to wipe them away. 'Auntie Nat, why are you crying?'

 

Pulling Lila into a tighter hug, Natasha whispered 'Because I love you.' 

 

She smiled through her tears, but Lila's frown remained firmly in place as she responded 'That doesn't make sense.'

 

Natasha laughed quietly, rubbing her face to wipe the remaining tears away. She tucked Lila back into bed, pressing a kiss to her nose, which made the little girl giggle. 'I love you so, so much.'

 

'Good tears?' Lila asked hopefully.

 

'Yeah munchkin, good tears.'

 

'Are you better now?' She asked sleepily, her face still showing hints of concern.

 

Natasha smiled. 'I'm getting there.'

 

Lila closed her eyes, and as she drifted off to sleep she murmured 'Night Auntie Nat. I love you too.'

 

'Night munchkin,' Natasha whispered, but received no reply from the child, who was now fast asleep.

 

If only she could sleep like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter and an epilogue left!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha talks with Clint and Laura (...finally!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter guys! There will be a short epilogue posted later.
> 
> Thank you all so, so much for all of kudos and comments! I can't believe this fic has had nearly 1000 hits, and I wouldn't have got here without your support :) Hope you enjoyed the story :)

A quiet tap on the doorframe attracted her attention, and Natasha turned to look at Clint, who was stood by the door watching her with a familiar look on his face.

 

'Beer?' He asked, tilting an eyebrow up in question.

 

'Got anything stronger?' She intended the words to be a joke, but as they tumbled from her lips they fell flat, slipping out into the night like a burglar who never intended to be seen. She shook her head and forced out a laugh, but for once she couldn't manage to pull down her facade fast enough, and a look of concern flashed across Clint's face as he watched her fight the vulnerability that she hasn't wanted him to see.

 

He stood there watching for a moment longer, lingering by her side before smiling sadly. 'I'll see what we've got,' he responded, slipping back into the house in search of alcohol.

 

Natasha sighed. She had been back for two days, and she _had_ been sleeping better, but the night-time horrors which had plagued her dreams at the Avengers facility were still managing to worm their way into her thoughts at night, and even Clint holding tightly to her wrist in a way that he hadn't done for years didn't much help.

 

She needed to have this conversation with them, and she was ready. Well, as ready as she would ever be. It was just... she didn't know how. They had had this conversation before, many years ago, and they had defeated her demons together. It had taken time and a whole lot of effort, but they had done it.

 

And then she had gone and ruined all of their work.

 

So now they needed to have another conversation about how the Red Room had taken a little red haired girl and fucked her up so badly that she still struggled to sleep without handcuffs decades later.

 

She closed her eyes, leaning back into the seat as it swung gently under her. She listened to the breeze rustling in the trees and tried desperate to forget about everything that had happened in her life, but to no avail.

 

A cool glass pressed against her palm, and she opened her eyes to see Clint looking down at her, his eyes still clouded with concern. 'Well the good news is that I found some vodka,' he commented, waving a bottle in the air and placing the other two glasses on the table.

 

Natasha held out her glass to him and he poured a generous amount of the clear liquid into it, adding a smaller quantity to the glasses on the table. She took a large gulp of the vodka, wincing as it burned the whole way down, but drinking more if it before she had time to regret it.

 

Clint shot a subtle look at her and refilled her glass as he sank down onto the swing-seat next to her, muttering 'unfair' under his breath.

 

He had always been envious of her ridiculously high alcohol tolerance, but she would _really_ like to be drunk right now. Especially if they were going to have the conversation she had been avoiding.

 

'Penny for your thoughts?' Laura asked from the doorway as she studied their faces, both appearing to be lost in thought.

 

Clint smirked. 'That all they're worth to you, huh?'

 

Laura laughed, tossing a stray cushion in his direction. 'Budge over,' she asked Natasha, and the red head obliged, shuffling closer to Clint so that Laura could curl up next to her, their shared body heat keeping them warm even in the cool night.

 

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, and she knew that this was Clint and Laura's way of giving her the opportunity to speak - but she also knew that if she didn't feel ready, they would let the moment pass with no comments or judgement.

 

She _wanted_ to talk. She wanted to have this conversation, but there were so many cracks and crevices and impossible details that she didn't know where to start. And they probably had bigger things to deal with. They had a two week old baby for fuck's sake, they had better things to do than deal with her crap.

 

As if sensing her thoughts, Laura squeezed her hand, shuffling closer. Natasha took a deep breath, trying to force away the nausea that she could feel bubbling up in her stomach, and suddenly her words all tumbled out, head over heels, barely in order, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a mess, and I'm sorry I didn't come home earlier, and - ' 'Nat,' Laura interrupted softly, but Natasha continued regardless, her voice quiet and dripping with self-loathing. ' - I'm sorry we're having to have this stupid fucking conversation _again_ because I thought I had sorted out my issues the first time but apparently I can't even do _that_ right.' She choked back a sob, trying not to let her lovers see how torn up she was on the inside. 

 

'Nat,' Laura interrupted again, firmer this time. 'It doesn't matter. You don't have to be perfect on your first try. Some things can't be fixed in one go.'

 

'But - '

 

'No, Nat,' Clint added, his voice soft, 'what did you say to me after New York?'

 

She huffed, shooting an annoyed look in his direction. 'That was different. You had an alien God messing with your head.'

 

'And you had some evil Russians messing with yours. You know what you told me.' He watched her, waiting for her to repeat the words that she had told him over and over when he became frustrated with his progress, but his gaze was kind.

 

Natasha sighed quietly. 'I said it was going to take time.'

 

'Yeah,' Clint smiled. 'And you were right. It takes time to level out after people mess with your brain.'

 

Natasha thought about his words, and took several mouthfuls of alcohol before replying, her voice irritated yet vulnerable, 'But I've _had_ time, Clint. And I _thought_ that we had sorted this out. I thought that we had - I thought - ' Her voice cracked as she finished, her voice barely a whisper ' _I thought that we had fixed me.'_

 

' 'tasha look at me.' Laura sat straighter so that she could hold Natasha's chin in her hands, her fingers softly caressing the redhead's pale skin, voice thick with emotion 'You are _not_ broken. You don't need to be fixed. They raised you to be an emotionless killer, but you got away from them. You beat them. And I know they did things that didn't leave a physical mark but left scars in your mind, habits that you think you can't break, and maybe you struggle with that, but _that's okay._

 

Natasha leaned into her, and Laura ran her fingers through her hair. The Red Room had done such awful things to the girls they controlled that it was a miracle Nat was even alive. She had got away from them, because she was a survivor, and she was so much stronger than they had thought. 'We can beat this. We _will_ beat this.'

 

Clint nodded, squeezing Natasha's hand tightly. 'It'll take time, but you can do it.'

 

He slid his arm around her waist and began to rub small circles on her opposite shoulder, leaning over to press a kiss to her temple. 

 

Natasha bit her lip. They hadn't even talked about the problem to any detail yet, and she was already a mess. Her voice was soft and fragile in the darkness as she admitted 'It wasn't even leaking all of the files onto the internet and taking down the helicarriers that did it. It just... Nick thought I was a traitor. The Winter soldier was trying to kill us. Everything...'

 

She swallowed heavily, blinking back _yet more_ tears. 'I'm sorry,' she added, scrubbing at her eyes with the heel of her hand. 'I can't stop crying.'

 

Clint squeezed her shoulder again, and Laura wiped a stray tear from Natasha's cheek. She took another breath before continuing 'SHIELD was Hydra. My entire life, my entire second chance had been a lie. I thought that they would always have control of me, wherever I went.

 

'So I came home, because I needed you to remind me that there is good in my life, and to remind me that I can feel and I can love and I can have a family and have everything else they tried to take away.'

 

This time, Natasha didn't bother to wipe away the second wave of tears, and Clint reached up to brush away the droplets that were slowly rolling down her cheeks. Laura rested her head on Natasha's shoulder as she continued to talk, trying desperately to hide the dampness in her own eyes. 

 

'And you made it better. I could sleep here, free from nightmares, surrounded by the people that I love. You kept them from controlling me. And when I went on missions for the Avengers without you and I found I couldn't sleep without the handcuffs they had programmed me to need, I didn't know what to do.'

 

She shivered, using one arm to hug her knees to her chest and using the other to take a swig of her long discarded alcohol. 'I thought that it didn't matter, because it was only ever for one or two nights, but you were right Laur. You told me that I was letting them control me. Letting them _win_.'

 

Laura nodded in agreement and Clint murmured something incomprehensible before kissing Natasha softly on the lips. 'They do not control you.'

 

She laughed softly, the sound like lights twinkling in the sky compared to their bleak conversation. 'I'm working on that. I'm getting there.'

 

'We'll take it slow. You've managed it once, so you can do it again.'

 

Natasha nodded half-heartedly, her heavy lids beginning to drift shut, exhausted further by their emotional conversation. She curled her legs up onto the seat, resting her head on Clint's shoulder.

 

Clint waggled his eyebrows at her. 'Sleep?'

 

Letting out another laugh, Natasha allowed Clint to tug her up from the bench, and returned the favor to Laura. 'Yeah, sleep.'

 

Laura looked at her watch, trying to calculate the average amount of sleep Nathaniel had been getting each night. 'I think we've got between two and four hours before Nate inevitably wakes up. So yeah, sleep.'

 

She smiled softly at the two people she loved more than anything else in the world, and wrapped her arms around theirs as they came in from the cold, burying her hand deep in Natasha's pocket. They would get through this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was edited quite quickly, so please tell me if you spot any mistakes :)


	9. Epilogue

When Steve phoned a week later, Natasha put the pens she was tidying away down on the table and picked up the phone.

 

'Hey, Steve. It's good to hear from you. How are you?'

 

'I'm good. The Avengers are doing great, though they're making me feel old. And Tony's come back for a month or so, so I phoned to let you know that there's no rush to come back. You can stay for however long you need.'

 

She couldn't bite back her surprised 'Really?', clamping her tongue firmly behind her teeth when she heard the hint of excitement in her voice. Being at the farm always broke down her carefully constructed filters, and she cursed herself momentarily before remembering that this was _Steve_. The person who had seen through her lies and pretenses, and sent her to the one place he knew she would feel safe when she was crumbling inside. Her teammate. Her friend.

 

He gave a low chuckle over the phone. 'Yeah, really. Anyway, how are you?'

 

She smiled, inhaling the sweet smell of _home_ and looking out across the fields to see Cooper and Lila laughing happily in the garden. Laura pressed a freshly brewed cup of coffee into her free hand - for the taste, not for the caffeine; she had been sleeping much better now with Clint and Laura helping her through her problems. It wasn't perfect, and she had a long way to go, but it was _better_. Laura snaked her arms around the redhead's waist from behind, and Clint smiled at them from across the room. He rocked Nathaniel in his arms, plopping a soft kiss to his son's tiny nose as the baby drifted off to sleep.

 

Natasha exhaled gently, leaning into Laura's embrace and tilting her face towards the sky, closing her eyes as the sunlight spread a familiar warmth across her pale skin.

 

'I'm good.' She could tell that he was grinning over the phone, but for once she couldn't find it in herself to tease him for it, instead giving a soft smile in return.

 

_'I'm home.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's finished! Thank you all so much, your kudos and kind comments have been amazing, and I hope you all enjoyed the ride!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)


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